In the US, the new King of Doubletalk is President Donald Trump. At least in the Philippines, Duterte is frank enough to admit that not everything he says makes sense or is serious.
At any rate, with apologies to the Malacañang apologists and to Cayetano, this how I think that “friendly and refreshing” conversation between Duterte and Xi actually went:
Duterte (spoken): “President Xi, I would like to discuss the issue concerning the West Philippine Sea.” (Thought balloon: “My critics in the Philippine are accusing of being scared of the Chinese. Kailangang tapangan ko, para hindi ako magmukhang duwag.”
Xi (spoken): “You mean, the South China Sea, which China owns.”
Duterte (spoken): “We intend to drill oil there. If it’s yours, well, that’s your view. But my view is, I can drill the oil, if there is some inside the bowels of the earth, because it is ours.” (Thought balloon: “Aber, let’s see how he will react to that!”)
Xi (spoken): “We’re friends, we don’t want to quarrel with you. We want to maintain the presence of warm relationship, but if you force the issue, we’ll go to war.” (Thought balloon: “This little mouse is asking for it. We could pulverize the Philippines in less than24 hours.”)
Duterte (thought balloon): “Putang ina, is he serious?”
Xi (spoken): “Please do not do that because that is ours.” (Thought balloon: “I’ll humor this fellow. He only has 5 years left in his term while I can be president for life if I want.”)
Duterte (spoken): “But I have the arbitral (award).” (Thought balloon: “’Tang ina, I should have made that point at the ASEAN.’)
Xi (spoken): “Yes, but ours is historical and yours is legal of recent memory. We had that since the Ming dynasty.” (Thought balloon: “Does he know anything about Oriental history? Maybe not, because I heard he was a trouble maker in school.”)
Duterte (spoken): “That’s too far away. Those words are almost alien to us to because we were never under Chinese jurisdiction.” (Thought balloon: “Putang ina, I hope he does not say that the Chinese actually own the Philippines, dahil sa negosyo.”)
Xi (spoken): “Well, if you force the issue, we’ll be forced to tell you the truth.”(Thought balloon: “If I get really pissed with this guy, I’ll remind him that China actually owned the Philippine islands long before Magellan came. Has this fellow heard about Limahong?”
Duterte (spoken): “The truth? And what is that?” (Thought balloon: “Eto nga iyon…I’m afraid he’ll mention SM, San Miguel, Robinsons, Megaworld at lahat ng malalaking negosyo sa Pilipinas.”)
Xi (spoken): “We will go to war. We will fight you.” (Thought balloon: “I’ll say it while smiling, That should be enough to scare him.”
Duterte (spoken): “I appreciate your frankness, Mr. President. But we shall we would rather discuss this matter as friends.:\” (Thought balloon: “Putang ina. Giyera pala and panakot niya. Kung sa Davao lang ito, EJK na ang gagong ito.”)
Xi: (Spoken): “A toast to harmonious relations between our two great countries!” (Thought balloon: “You idiot…there’s only one great country and it’s China.”
Duterte (spoken): “Kampai! A toast to lasting friendship and mutual prosperity!”(Thought balloon): Putang ina, I cannot ask the Americans for help dahil binastos ko. Alam ko na, I’ll make a state visit to Russia. Maybe Putin can help me.”)
(gregmacabenta@hotmail.com)